Snap, crackle, fk that asshole!
by CocaineFilledKisses
Summary: After Ichigo and Renji get drunk the night before, the red haired idiot gets into a fight with his cereal...


**Title**: Snap, Crackle, Fck that asshole!

**Rating**: M

**Pairing**: RenjiXIchigo

**Summary**: Renji is extremely hung over when he decides to eat Rice Krispies… Uh-oh. More chapters to come. RenjiXIchigo.

"When I said, 'I'd hit that', I meant with my car."

Just thought I'd lighten the mood. ) Enjoy this. Sorry if it sucks. I'm gonna try to keep this one clean.

BEGIN

The night before, Abarai Renji got totally wasted with his long time friend, Kurosaki Ichigo. His head pounded when he woke up sprawled out across the wooden floor or Ichigo's bedroom, and thanked whatever God there was, that Isshin or the girls weren't home. They wouldn't be home for another two weeks. The red head was glad for family vacations. The carrot top never went with his family, unless it was absolutely necessary, like going to his mother's grave, like they did every year. Usually when his father was out, Ichigo would invite Renji over for sparring, or partying. Usually they ended up drunk off their asses, and passed out in odd positions.

"Ichii…."  
"Nani?"

"What did we do last night, and where tha fuck is my shirt?"

"Over there. You were stripping on tha kitchen table, remember?"

"OoOoOoOoO. Now I do. Arigato."

"Hungry?"  
"Eai. Not yet."

They stayed in their odd positions, finding them oddly comfortable. Ichigo's legs were folded behind his back, and his legs were wide open. One of his arms was behind his back, and the other was on his forehead, covering his eyes. Renji was twisted in all sorts of ways. They got up after a couple minutes, Renji helping up Ichigo.

"Whaddaya want?"  
"Cereal."  
"All I have is Rice Krispies."

"Meh. I'll take 'em."

The two men went to the kitchen, and Ichigo tossed the cereal to the red head, who caught it, and was handed a bowl and spoon. Ichigo took out the milk, and cooked eggs for himself. Renji watched him as he cooked, and poured his cereal carefully. He returned his attention to what he was doing, and poured the milk.

'_Snap.'_

'_Crackle.'  
'Dude, fuck that asshole.'_

"NANI?!"

"Nani?"

Ichigo looked over his shoulder at Renji, who was standing, and glaring at his bowl of cereal.

"What are ya yellin' about?"  
"THE CEREAL! IT-JUST-CURSED ME!"

"No, it didn't."  
"Hai. Ya just didn't hear it!"

'_Snap'_

'_Crackle.'_

'_Seriously, fuck that asshole.'_

"THERE IT IS AGAIN!"

"I didn't hear anything, Renji."

'_Snap.'_

'_Crackle.'_

'_That guy needs to get laid. BIG TIME.'_

"NANI?!"

Ichigo sat down and began to eat his breakfast, watching Renji argue with his breakfast.

"Yeah, well… I CONTROL YOUR VERY FATE! HA! NOW WHO'S THE ASSHOLE! NOW WHO NEEDS TA GET LAID, 'BIG TIME'?!"

"Still you?"

"STAY OUT OF THIS! THIS IS BETWEEN ME…" Renji pointed to himself, then to the bowl. "AND THEM!"  
"Sure. Okay."

Renji continued to argue with his cereal, until he just got so fed up, he threw his bowl in he sink, and picked off of Ichigo's plate.

"Fuckin'… breakfast cereal… fuckin' cursin' me. Who tha hell do they think they are? Kuchiki-Taichou? I think not."

Ichigo laughed and shook his head at Renji. He was funny when he was hung over.

[A/N: I'll have more chapters up either during the week, or next weekend… or maybe later tonight… dunno. NOW! I MUST TAKE A SHOWER! WOOSH!

**Title**: I didn't know ya wrote poetry!

**Rating**: M

**Pairing**: IchigoXRenji

**Summary**: After the two finish eating, Ichigo goes to take a shower, and Renji gets nosey, and snoops around the boy's room. Chapter 2. RenjiXIchigo.

"My inner child is a MEAN LITTLE FUCKER!"

I just love opening my fanficcys with funny quotes. I think I'm gonna do that more often... ANYWAY! This is Chapter two of the "Snap, Crackle, Fuck that asshole!" fanficcy. Enjoy!!! I think this chapter is going to be clean of smut... MAYBE... I dunno yet. )

BEGIN!

After Renji's hunger was gone, the two men sat and channel surfed.

"WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! GO BACK!"

Ichigo clicked two channels back. They saw two men, sitting on the couch together in an empty house, flipping through channels, when one of the males jumped on the other, pinning him down. The man on top was rough, and it reminded Ichigo of Renji. Not in the sexual way, but more like... the fighting kind of way. Renji was always rough with him. He didn't know about him in the sack, but... then again... they've never had sex before. And Ichigo didn't plan on it, either.

"Renji, this is porn."  
"Hai, I know. We dun get this stuff in Soul Society."

"And it's a good thing."

Ichigo changed the channel, making Renji pissed.

"HEY! I WAS WATCHIN' THAT!"  
"NANI? YA WANNA WATCH PORN?!"  
"WELL, THERE'S NOTHIN' ELSE TA DO! Oh! Leave it!"

In the middle of an argument, Renji saw what the channel was on, and wanted to watch it instead of the porn. Ichigo was glad for that... but that was his favorite! Damn. If only the damn tease wasn't here, he would've watched it alone, and took care of business. Damn him...

_'I hate that goddamn guy. I hate his goddamn smile. Hate his goddamn tattoos. Hate his goddamn laugh. Hate his goddamn hair. Hate his goddamn personality. Hate that he's here. Hate that I can't be with him. I hate God...'_

As they watched the program, Renji got engrossed in it, and didn't notice that Ichigo had left until a commercial came.

"Ichii?"

Renji figured that he went to take a shower. The red head got up and made his way to Ichigo's room, and decided to be nosey. There was always one thing that Renji was never allowed to touch. That was a marble composition notebook he had hidden under his mattress. Renji decided to take a peek inside. He pulled it out from under the mattress and lied on his back on the bed. He balanced the open book on his feet and began to read the first page.

_'Many Lives these two hands have taken_

_As many they have protected_

_My blood covered lips speak no words_

_As I stare into my own reflection_

_Darkness now covers all I see and touch_

_No feeling of pain_

_Just sorrow_

_My mind looses grip on the anger I held_

_And I turn to become a true shadow'_

The red head liked that one. Had he written that?

_'Damn. He's good.'_

He turned the page, and read another.

_'So let me take this medicine to quench my thirst for violent things. _

_My swan song will be like a bullet laced in anger as the razor cuts into the soft spot of my heel._

_Each breath getting harder, _

_this war is getting harder to fight by myself. _

_Sick waves of bitter fassion rip down the sheild that I have. _

_Tears rain from above._

_Do you see the life I lead? _

_So follow me into the sun. _

_And I will bleed the poison dry for you. _

_These bayonet scars never cease to blind the light shed from the beast, _

_and all we do is hate. _

_Eyes shot from constant vision. _

_Angels vendered useless, good has lost its heart. _

_Bite to break the skin, don't give the secret. _

_My stoic face beating with passion. _

_The pheonix will die, inside the firestorm._

_I am the son, follow my footsteps.'_

Each poem was written in a different script. Ichigo couldn't make up his mind of how to write. The carrot top really was talanted. The red head kept reading, flipping pages, still balancing the book on his feet to read.

'I wish I could tell you how I feel

About all the pain inside

But I don't think you'd understand

So my feelings, I just hide

I want so badly to spill my guts

Because I hate the way I lie

But I'm so worried about what you'll think

So I lie and say that I'm fine

Maybe some day I will tell you how I feel

Maybe some day I will tell you the truth

Because I love you more than anyone else

But what would happen if R-'

"RENJI! N-NANI?!"

The red head jumped, and the book fell from his outstretched feet, and landed on his stomach. It was Ichigo. He ran into his room, and snatched the notebook from Renji's stomach.

"WHAT THA HELL ARE YA DOIN'?"  
"HEY! I WAS READIN' THAT!"

Renji snatched it back, making the carrot top try and grab for it. Renji held the book away from Ichigo, and pushed him away with one had. He tried to find where he was in the notebook, but Ichigo jumped on top of him before he could.

"HOW MUCH DID YA READ!?"

"Some. Maybe... ta tha one, where ya said that ya wish ya could tell me how I feel. I WANNA FUCKIN' FINISH IT GODDAMNIT! GIVE IT BACK, AND GERROFFA ME!"

"EAI! THIS IS MINE!"  
"COME ON! I WAS JUST GETTING TA A NAME!"

"You didn't read tha name, did ya?"  
"Eai. I just got tha first letter."

Ichigo breathed a sigh of relelif and got up with his notebook. The red head bounced up and tackled Ichigo to the floor, sending the book across the room, and crashing into the hallway. They fought and rolled around, Ichigo throwing punches of blind fury, hoping to hit something, and make it hurt. Renji would pay... Oh, he would pay.

[A/N: HIIIIIIIIII! Yepp, so that's the second chapter of the "Snap, Crackle, Fuck that asshole!". Hope ya liked it! Reveiw paweeeeeeeese! Third chapter will be up soon. Oh, and please dun steal tha poems. Arigato! )

**Title**: Confessions

**Rating**: M

**Pairing**: IchigoXRenji

**Summary**: Later that night, Ichigo hides his notebook in a different spot, and when he falls asleep, Renji finds the notebook again. What will happen, and what will he read?????. RenjiXIchgio.

"When a boy tells you to suck it, smile and say, 'I'm sorry, but my mother told me to never put small things in my mouth."

I like that one. I actually used it not too long ago. It knocked at least... 400 points off of his Ego. OKAY! ) Review please!

BEGIN!

The red head gave up trying to retreive the notebook, and left the room. Ichigo was trying to hide it again. The red head went to the couch in the living room couch, and flipped to another, more interesting show. Ichigo joined him shortky after, but, Renji got up to take a shower. Ichigo watched him leave and listened for the water to turn on, before he groaned and fell backwards on the couch.

_'Stupid motherfucker! That sonofabitch! Damnit. I wish he read the name.'_

Ichigo sighed heavily and covered his eyes with an arm, listening to the show continue. He closed his eyes for only a second, but he ended up falling asleep for a couple minutes. He woke up when someone nudged him.

"Move over. I wanna sit, damnit."

"Why should ya get ta sit? Ya read my shit."  
"But it was good shit. Now move."

Ichigo moved his legs, but, as soon as Renji was seated, he rested them on his lap. The red head wore only dark jeans and had his blue, button up shirt slung over his shoulder. Ichigo tried not to look at him, but he found it difficult. The orange haired boy stared at his ink-ridden chest, fantasizing how far they went, and where. Ichigo imagined feeling his hard pecks, and tight, lickable abs beneath his fingertips, and licked his lips.

"Nani?"  
"Nani?"

"Yer starin' at me."

"Eai. Am not."

Ichigo turned his attention back to the TV, and saw a commercial for Taco Bell.

"Okay, I'm hungry."

Ichigo was still pissed at Renji for reading his poetry, and made him fix his own dinner. The two just ate whatever was in the cupboards and were satisfyed. Renji hung himself over the back, of the back of the couch. (Did that make sense? 'Cause I know what I'm imagining, but I dunno if yer imagining tha same thing...) He watched the show from this odd angle, until the show was over, and Ichigo went to bed. Renji got the couch to himself, and channel surfed, coming across more porn. He decided to skip over it. It was girl-on-girl. He wasn't into that sort of thing. He was more of a guy-on-guy, guy. He waited another couple hours before he decided to sneek into Ichigo's room again. He tred carefully, making no noise and entered the room. Ichigo was asleep in his tank top and pajama pants under a thin sheet. His facial expression was so peaceful, and serene, Renji wanted to continue to watch him sleep. He no longer had a furrowed brow, and sneer, but... calmness. That was all his face held.

_'Shut tha hell up. I'm on a goddamn mission! Now... where's that goddamn book?'_

Renji searched the room quietly, and made sure to put everything back where it was when he was done stiffling through it. The red head was out of spots, when he stood and thought. Renji gave himself a mental slap and smirked.

_'Of course.'_

Renji went over to his closet, opened the door, and peered in. He looked on the top shelf, and lifted a couple ties. There it was. Renji smirked at his acomplishment, and took it down. He exited the room, just in time for Ichigo to stir, and move to sleeping on his side. The red head took the notebook to the living room, and flipped to the page he was on, and continued reading.

'But what would happen if Renji knew?

So for now I'll fake a smile

I'll say I'm not sad at all

I'll simply say that he worries too much

And hide my feelings behind a brick wall'

_'Hot damn. It was my name, he wrote.'_

Renji was taken aback. Ichigo, was crushing, on him? Of all people... why Renji? He continued to flip though pages, and hit blanks, until he found what looked like a journal, type part. He read Ichigo's script, which was written in red, like all the rest.

'Stupid sonofabitch. I can't beleive I'm falling for him! Renji, of all people I'm falling for. I could understand someone else... but Renji? Let alone, he's a male... I mean, hai, I'm open to experimentation, but... Renji... Why the hell would I fall for that fucker? He's my sparring buddy, a fuckin' Shinigami. He should be with his captian, Byakuya. Why am I falling for him?

July 22.'

'Okay, so I am falling for Renji. I mean, who wouldn't? He's a damn tease, anyway. He just pisses me off so fuckin' much sometimes. BUt his laugh... Holy shit. I love his smile, and his laugh. It's tourture watching him train. His muscles gleaming with his sweat... achk. Nani? Why am I doing this? Why is he doing this? Fuck it.

July 30'

'I invited Renji over for the week while dad and the girls are gone. I like haing him around me. It always make me feel more... secure... I know that someone is here, if anything happens... Corny huh? I can't wait until he gets here. I'm so excited... Maybe I'll make tha first move...

August 1'

'We got drunk last night, and passed out in my room... again... The strange thing was, that Renji got into an argument with his Rice Krispies. Apparently they were cursing him. Hn. He's so adorable when he's flustered... and embarrassed. Just, the way his cheeks flood with pink, is so ADORABLE! I think I'm falling Eai. I'm in love, with Abarai Renji.

August 2'

_'NANI?!?!?! IN LOVE???'_

Renji's eyes widened, but he read more.

'THAT STUPID FUCKER! He found my journal!!!! Oh god, I'm so stupid for leaving it in the same spot twice. He already tried ta read it a while back. It was partially my fault, but still... He shouldn't have read my poetry, right? But thank whatever God there is, that he didn't read the name. It would've been humiliating. But, I wanted him to read it, but at the same time, I didn't. I just want to feel his lips on mine... his breath on my neck, and my fingers over his pecks and six pack... I love you, Abarai Baka.

August 2'

_'Abarai Baka... Cute.'_

Renji put the notebook back where he fund it without disturbing Ichigo, and went back to the couch to fall asleep.

[A/N: YAY! NEXT CHAPTER... SMUT, SMUT, SMUT GALORE!!! YAY! GO SMUT! Gomendosai. I'm a bit of a pervert...

**Title**: I love you too, Ichii-chan.

**Rating**: M

**Pairing**: RenjiXIchigo

**Summary**: SMUT, SMUT, SMUT, SMUT, SMUT! Do I need to elaborate?

"Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia is the fear of the number 666. Hippotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long, unpronouncable words."

So true... SMUT TYME!

BEGIN!

The next morning, Ichigo woke up, and went to the kitchen to find Renji cooking eggs and bacon.

"Hungry?"  
"Hai..."

Renji divided it between them, and gave Ichigo a fork.

"What's with this?"  
"Dunno. I just thought I'd cook ya sumthin'."  
"Arigato, Renji."

He nodded and ate his breakfast in silence. Once they were done with their breakfast, the two men went to Ichigo's room, and the red head was mentally preparing himself.

_'Okay, c'mon. Ya know he won't say no. He likes ya.'_

When Ichigo turned to Renji, the red head pressed his soft lips to Ichigo's, pushing him against the nearest wall, caressing his cheek with his thumb. Ichigo went paralyzed, realizing that this was real. All of it, was real. Renji's lips were on his, and his tongue was asking for enterance. Ichigo parted his shaking lips, and closed his eyes, finding Renji's tongue in his warm mouth. Renji bit, licked and sucked on Ichigo's lower lip, driving him crazy with passion and lust. Ichigo pulled Renji closer to his chest by his shirt, and wrestled his tongue. Renji's hands were on either side of Ichigo's head on the wall, and his groin, touching Ichigo's. Ichigo writhed at the contact, and grinded against Renji, making his erection even harder, and more strained against his jeans. The orange haired boy still clutched Renji's shirt, and he walked him backwards, onto his bed, landing on top. Ichigo tore the red head's shirt off of his skin, sending buttons flying across the room, and his chest exposed. Ichigo's lips went to Renji's neck and collerbone, making light red marks with his teeth, before Renji flipped Ichigo to the bottom, and slid his hands down, and under Ichigo's shirt, slipping it over his head.

Ichigo's tone chest shone in the dull sunlight, leaving shadows dancing across his skin. Renji saw no hair ruining his perfect form, and bent down to kiss the boy once more. Renji bit his tongue softly, and dragged his tongue across Ichigo's cheek, and to his ear lobe, nibbling it softly. His hands were ever so skillful as they un-buttoned the button, and un-zipped his fly, leaving his jeans open, but not off. Renji's hands went to Ichigo's abs, teasing him, tracing the lines, and circling his navel. Ichigo moaned, giving Renji just what he wanted, and the red head took Ichigo's pajama pants from his body, tossing them aside. His face hovered above Ichigo's as he smirked and the orange haired boy pulled him by the back of the neck, back to his lips. Ichigo arched his back as Renji's fingers glided across Ichigo's tip, and travled down his shaft. His touch was so soft, it sent a shiver up his spine, and gave him goose prickle. Ichigo's stomach was pushed down by Renji, and the boy slid Renji's jeans off of him, without even breaking the kiss.

Once they were both naked, their hands roamed each other's body, teasing, and feeling everything._Everything. _Renji was the one to break the kiss and make his way down to Ichigo's hard nipples. He gave them each a lick and a quick kiss before heading further down. A moan escaped Ichigo's lips,_Renji. _The red head had fun teasing Ichigo mercilessly with his teeth and tongue, sampling his head. Ichigo pounded his fist against the bed, arching his back, pleading Renji to take him. The red head smirked at Ichigo's need and took his throbbing hard into his mouth, pressing his teeth to his shaft softly. Renji wanted to drag Ichigo so close to the edge, he thought he would explode if he didn't cum. Just as Ichigo reached that point, Renji slid back up to Ichigo's lips, and slid one moist digit into Ichigo's entrance. The boy cried out, smiling, as Renji slid in a second, scissoring inside him, adding a third, and final. After Ichigo was preperly loosened, Renji kissed him passionately, and picked him up from the bed, against a wall, pressing his lips to Ichigo's once more. Renji hooked both of Ichigo's legs at the knee over his arms, so that he couldn't touch the ground, and thrust his somewhat slippery cock into Ichigo's entrance, making the young vrigin cry out in pleasure, and in pain.

Ichigo continued to scream his partner's name, panting and sweating, making their contact even more slippery. The red head panted as he thrust his cock in and out of Ichigo's tight opening, moaning how tight he was, and how good it felt. Ichigo was glad to please Renji. The orange haired boy moved his hips with Renji's fast pace the best he could, banging his fists against the walls, leaving slight dents. Ichigo raked his nails against the walls, and against Renji's tattooed back, moaning and screaming his name. He was so close...so goddamn close to the edge, he wanted it to never end. Renji hit his prostate one final time, and Ichigo cried out, cumming on their stomachs. As the muscles around Renji's cock tightened, he cummed deep inside of Ichigo, panting.

Renji waited a minute or two before sliding out of Ichigo, and putting his feet on the floor. Ichigo hugged Renji, and lied on the bed next to him, covering them with the sheet.

"Renji..."  
"That was amazin' Ichii."

"Hai. That it was..."

Ichigo hesitated, but then nuzzled Renji's chest, inhaling deeply.

"I love you, Renji."  
"I love you too, Ichii-chan."

FIN

[A/N: AND THAT IS ALL FOLKS! Hope ya enjoyed tha lemon. I was yelled at because I was cutting into dinner... Whoops. Please reveiw! Arigato! I'll make more... not chapters, but other stories... BAI BAI! glomps reader


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